


Novocaine

by jjokkiri



Series: procaine [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: ?? sort of???, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Angst and Porn, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Smut, TAG SUGGESTIONS ALWAYS WELCOME BECAUSE I SUCK AT THIS, mentions of blood!!, sort of, university drop outs make a band- ensue heartbreak, wonho centered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 12:46:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8014519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjokkiri/pseuds/jjokkiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years ago, Kihyun left Novocaine without a word. With him, he took a fraction of their fans and a piece of Wonho’s heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Novocaine

**Author's Note:**

> I said I was headed back to school and wouldn't be posting anything lengthy for a while, but it seems I couldn't keep away for too long and the world lacks angsty!Kiho. I hope you all enjoy that nasty explicit scene (and the rest of the fic!).

 

Seven years ago, if anyone ever looked it up, _Novocaine_ was a drug——a local anaesthetic, something to numb the fuck out of a part of you——and that was probably all it was. And then, it became something more when a hopeless group of university dropouts all grabbed their instruments and wreaked havoc in the music industry with mind blowing vocals and highly relatable lyrics. Novocaine, for three years, was an independent five-member rock band consisting of a group best friends.

Their success found itself in the way their lyrics appeased to the population of stressed out teens and young adults, as well as their good looks. Alike to their name, Novocaine’s music seemed to numb their listeners exactly where they wanted it. They produced their own music——wrote the lyrics and recorded everything in makeshift studios, bringing their success to them via YouTube with their haphazardly filmed music videos, which seemed a little too professional for a group of dropouts——but, they had their perks of what they learned in their majors before they hated it.

A year after their formation in the basement of leader and main vocalist Yoo Kihyun, they were signed with an entertainment company called Starship for the sake of pushing their success forward, though they remained in almost complete control of everything they did. Their fan base exploded upon the signing and they began to travel——together, they banded into an unstoppable force in the music industry, or at least that’s what they all thought, for what could be better than the years of doing what they loved with the people they loved the most?

Lead vocalist and bassist Shin Hoseok, better known by his stage name Wonho, could recall the night they decided and convinced one another that they’d all drop out of university together like it happened yesterday.

He remembered their youngest member, Lim Changkyun, running back into their shared house and throwing a thirty-pound textbook against the wall, groaning in disappointment (he also remembers Lee Minhyuk shouting something about denting the walls). He remembered Kihyun pulling the younger man into an embrace and telling him that it was okay to fail all of his exams, because he was living in a house full of dumb men.

Hoseok hadn’t been pleased with the statement, because he liked to think of himself as smart——he’d been a computer science major before he decided _fuck it_ , and dropped out with the other four. Kihyun had been a composition and lyrics major along with Lee Jooheon, their drummer. Minhyuk played his hands with linguistics before decided he liked his hands on a keyboard more. Changkyun, on the other hand, was a digital production major and their saviour when it came to editing music videos and ridiculous cinematography.

Sometime after they make it worldwide and they can hardly walk anywhere without someone recognizing them and screaming out in excitement, Hoseok found himself smoking more——stress beating down on him and Kihyun scolded him, because a lead vocalist shouldn’t be smoking. But, Kihyun’s hypocritical and he steals the cigarette from Hoseok’s lips and places them between his own (and then, Hoseok pulls it from his lips and kisses Kihyun, instead——because _Kihyun’s their main vocalist and they couldn’t do without him_ , or at least that was Hoseok’s excuse).

There was a unbeatable bliss in the way the lights flared on their faces after crazy stages with screaming fans, but Hoseok can’t help but miss the nights when they could curl up into bed after a smaller concert, instead of finding themselves amongst the fans and high out of their minds——they’d been so happy then.

 

 

 

 _“You’re crazy,”_ Hoseok had said, the first time Minhyuk had brought up the idea of all of them dropping out of university and forming a boy band instead. They were in their first year and Changkyun hadn’t even graduated high school yet, so Kihyun and Hoseok made eye contact and they brushed it off with a laugh.

Sometime after flunking his third midterm in the middle of November, Jooheon had brought up the idea again and Kihyun laughed at him——because Kihyun aced that exam. “You’re just mad that I did well and you didn’t,” he said, washing the dishes.

“We really should just all quit school, because we’re always complaining about not learning anything and being broke,” Minhyuk yelled from somewhere atop the stairs and Changkyun chuckled, tuning his precious guitar.

“Yeah? And what are we going to do then? I’m pretty sure half the school’s already dropped out to become strippers,” Changkyun stated, “And I don’t think I want to take my clothes off for money.”

“I _wouldn’t_ pay to see that,” Kihyun chimed in and Changkyun shoots him a dirty look. Kihyun blew him a kiss.

Hoseok chuckled from where he was chopping up some apples for the entire house (and he’s already fucked up two, even though Kihyun was just guiding his hands before he began to wash the dishes), “Changkyun walks around practically naked, we don’t _need_ to pay to see that.”

“Let’s not all become strippers,” Jooheon remarked, “If we become strippers, Hoseok’s going to be the most popular one, because everyone likes his body, and he’ll get famous and leave us. Let’s do something together.”

“We all have the backup of that boy band!” Minhyuk shouted out, always supportive of Jooheon’s crazy ideas.

“We’re all hot, so we’ve got one of the requirements down,” Hoseok stated, rolling his eyes, “But, starting a boy band? How many of us are musically talented?”

He paused when four sets of eyes regarded him, all with a ridiculous amount of offense——Changkyun held his guitar to himself and Jooheon raised his hand, as if proving a point (which it doesn’t really do anything). And the overdramatic Minhyuk dashed down the stairs smashing a finger against E# on the piano in their living room and from the kitchen, with dirty dishes still in his hands, Kihyun matched the note perfectly (and Jooheon yells the name of the note, because he’s so desperate to prove his point).

He’d forgotten that _all_ of them met in a music club in their high school, except for himself and Kihyun who happened to have met right before entering high school. And that Kihyun had perfect pitch——but, Hoseok’s always been aware that Kihyun was perfect, in general.

“So, are we all down to throw our degrees away?” Hoseok arched an eyebrow. They all remained silent and chuckled awkwardly, before returning to whatever they were doing. He’s the oldest, always has been the most logical out of the five of them——he’d call himself their guardian if it was really him who took care of them (that’s Kihyun).

The third time's the charm, it seems: the third time they bring up the idea of dropping out of school, Hoseok does it. He’s stressed beyond belief, because his codes aren’t working and he’s taken a shot for every single time he’s run the program and had his laptop crash. Shot glass filled with vodka already prepared for his inhalation, Hoseok is sure he’s going to wake up with the worst case of alcohol poisoning, but he knows Kihyun will take care of him. He always does.

Hoseok gives up on his work five shots later and he lays on the floor of their basement and waiting for one of his roommates and find him, maybe dead. Jooheon is the least helpful, but he’s the first one to come home——he smells like he’d just smoked a pound and his eyes are ringed with red.

“You look like shit,” they say, simultaneously. Hoseok’s drunk and Jooheon’s high——they laugh hysterically at their unified statement until Minhyuk walks into the house with Changkyun in tow and looking _very_ concerned.

Sometime after Kihyun comes back from work, they’re all sprawled across the sofa and staring at him. The red-haired man looks a little frightened for everyone’s eyes to be on him, especially when they’re all very obviously hammered. He’s far from ready to take care of every single one of them when their hangovers come to bite them in the ass, in the morning.

“Let’s do the thing,” Changkyun shouted and he’s obviously drunk.

Kihyun is shrugging off his jacket when he arched a curious eyebrow, “What’s the thing?”

 _“Drop out of school, form a band,”_ Hoseok slurred, just before he blacks out.

 

 

 

When he wakes up in the morning, Kihyun is sitting beside him and cleaning vomit off of his chest for him (no matter how disgusting it is, Kihyun doesn’t really seem to mind, and Hoseok just thinks about how perfect Yoo Kihyun really is) and Hoseok’s head is pounding. “Do you remember anything that happened last night?”

“If I didn’t kiss you and confess my entire heart to you, then I don’t want to know,” Hoseok replied and Kihyun looks a little amused. He thinks Hoseok is kidding, but he really isn’t.

He’s never kidding when he drops obvious hints about how he’s so in love with Kihyun, because Kihyun is the only one who doesn’t see it. They’ve known one another for years, since they were prepubescent teenagers chasing skirts (and Hoseok was shorter than Kihyun). It didn’t take very much for him to fall in love with Kihyun, but he just knows that he is and he’s not sure where it stemmed from. He knows he loves him.

And what Kihyun wants, Hoseok wants.

“You volunteered to drop out of university and form a boy band with us,” Kihyun informed him cheerfully and Hoseok buried his face into his pillows, not wanting to hear any more.

He feels vomit bubbling up his throat again, and it reminds him of the assignment that he’s never going to get to work. The brunette groaned and Kihyun’s there for him, holding out a bucket for him to throw up in. It’s after Hoseok’s puked his guts out that he hazily looks up at the younger man.

He’d follow Kihyun to the end of the world, but he’s only nineteen and he thinks it’s a little too soon to think about that——but looking at Yoo Kihyun, he’s pretty sure he wants to spend an eternity and a day with him.

So, if Kihyun wants to do this stupid band thing with him, he’ll do it.

“Yeah, okay. Let’s do it.”

 

 

 

At some point after Novocaine releases their first album on YouTube, complete with six different music videos (courtesy of Lim Changkyun), Jooheon is busy composing beats for them and Kihyun is writing the lyrics for their new songs. Minhyuk and Changkyun take lengthy naps in the back of their van, because they don’t participate in the making of their music (unless Changkyun has something to say about how a bridge of a song demands that he have a solo, but Jooheon makes him work for those solos).

Hoseok is twenty going on twenty-one when he isn’t doing this for just Kihyun anymore, because he falls in love with the stage.

As a band, they don’t give a shit or three——they write offensive songs that makes parents of their fans angry, but they don’t care, because they’re not supposed to. Their entertainment company tells them to keep doing what they do best, because that’s how they’re getting all the fans they have.

Their fans are from Kihyun’s charisma and his honey-sweet voice——their leader is the crowd-favourite and it’s not surprising. Not to Hoseok, at least, because Hoseok also falls in love with that charismatic gaze as Kihyun sings. Their fans are from the harmony Hoseok has with Kihyun when they’re belting out lyrics to their lead singles and the way he gets so hot under all the lights and undresses halfway through the concerts. Their fans are from Minhyuk’s sweetness to the fans, when he sees them in the streets, no matter how tired he is. Their fans come from Jooheon’s passion for composing their music and their fans flock to them for Changkyun’s personality and talent, on and off stage.

They’re Starship’s pride and joy, for the most part.

The only time the management freaks out at them is during one of their concerts, a year and a half after they debut, Changkyun gives a lucky fan a lap dance and they joke for _months_ about how Changkyun didn’t need to become a stripper to get paid for taking off his clothes. The girl’s parents had freaked out at their management, but the band laughed it off——they weren’t your typical pop band and they didn’t work the way mainstream idols needed to.

Novocaine had an image, and it’s not one that the public looks up to.

 

 

 

Kihyun falls in love with Hoseok, somewhere between stepping onto the stage and then falling into Hoseok’s bed at the end of the night, drunk and high on all sorts of things——alcohol, marijuana and absent whispers and touches. Somewhere in Paris in the middle of one of their tours, two years after their debut, Kihyun’s hands are warm against Hoseok’s cheeks, but the air around them is cold, and he looks at him with soft eyes.

“You’re in love with me,” Kihyun murmured softly, a lit cigarette between his lips and he looks a little amazed.

Hoseok pulled the cigarette away and extinguishes it between his fingers, throwing it to the ground, but immediately regrets it when he’s staring at Kihyun without anything to distract them. They’re alone on the roof of their hotel——Jooheon, Minhyuk and Changkyun are all sleeping, or maybe out sleeping around with some lucky French girls (Kihyun and Hoseok never really slept around with anyone, it wasn’t their thing, they’d insist).

Of all the times that Hoseok openly tells Kihyun about how much he loves him and means it, he doesn’t know what to say when Kihyun finally realizes that those whispers of _I love you_ were confessions of _I’m in love with you_.

“Am I?” Hoseok murmured, and his voice breaks though he isn’t speaking very loudly at all.

He needs to leave. Hoseok needed to turn on his heel and brush Kihyun’s hands away from his face, because everything before this was fine, but Kihyun knows now and Hoseok doesn’t know what to do. He’s suddenly filled with the immense fear that this would tear the band apart and for the past two years, Novocaine has been their entire lives.

_How do you ruin something for the ones you love most? How could you?_

“I’m in love with you, Hoseok,” Kihyun added, before tugging onto Hoseok’s wrist and pulling him closer to him and closing the distance between their lips.

Hoseok swears fireworks explode in his chest, louder than anything he’s ever heard and more thrilling than opening a concert by shouting a countdown and hearing Jooheon smash down on the snare.

Maybe, this is okay.

 

 

 

Kihyun loves the way he lights a cigarette on fire——gentle, slender fingers grasping onto it and burning everywhere it touches, but he forgets about it as soon as he’s done with it. He touches Hoseok with ever so gentle hands and he destroys him slowly like he’s wreaking nirvana on Hoseok’s body. Hoseok never feels like he’s been left behind though, because when Kihyun throws their love away, he’s doing it for the stage. He steps on the stage and he’s a whole different person, but Hoseok is in love with _every_ side Kihyun has to offer.

Hoseok loves with everything he has——he holds Kihyun at night, when they’re high off the adrenaline of a concert and presses his lips to Kihyun’s and they laugh about the night, forgetting about everything around them. With Kihyun, he forgets about everything he needs to worry about and the lead vocalist doesn’t think he could be any happier.

The rest of the band agrees: they’ve never seen either of them smile so brightly, off stage.

Minhyuk laughs brightly when Hoseok makes an absent remark about marrying Yoo Kihyun, whilst Jooheon drummed his fingers against the table and rolled his eyes telling Hoseok that no one could tie a free spirit like Kihyun down. Changkyun on the other hand looks at him, seriously and nodded, quietly telling him that it’s the _only_ way to keep Kihyun to himself.

So, somewhere in Berlin, when they’ve got a day to themselves, Hoseok goes out into the city late at night and, in exchange for a handful of large bills, pockets five chains and two engraved rings. They’re for the band——the chains are, something for them to remember Berlin with and all the fans. Every member of Novocaine possessing a similar accessory——it’s a cute idea in his head, but he’s making excuses to purchase a ring without questions.

He presents the items to his band with a cheeky grin and tosses each of them one of the chains and Changkyun immediately puts it on with a smile. Minhyuk looks at him, surprised and Jooheon punches him in the arm——because Jooheon’s never been someone to openly express his emotions and he’s touched. Kihyun pulls Hoseok into his arms and kisses the life out of him.

He doesn’t have the guts to show Kihyun the rings, just yet. He keeps them hidden in the safety of the pocket of his pants and pretends they’re not there.

That night, they drink to the memories in Berlin.

 

 

 

“Hoseok, could you ever hate me?” Kihyun asked, softly with his head rested on Hoseok’s chest.

They’re together in a hotel room and the room smells heavily of the joints they’d hit, after last night’s concert. The fans screamed their names so loudly and Hoseok thinks their voices would be hoarser than Kihyun’s morning voice after a night where he’d performed all of the songs with higher notes and then crawled into bed to (easily) seduce Hoseok into taking him.

Their lives are a little fucked up and nothing ever seems to be permanent, but nothing really could be in a world where they never seemed to stop travelling. Living lives as rock stars didn’t grace them with the constant of anything, but Hoseok really thinks that the one thing that will never change is their love.

“How could I ever hate you?” Hoseok questioned, his fingers running through his own hair.

Hoseok’s hair is a light brown colour, now and he’s not used to looking in the mirror to see that. Kihyun’s hair is shorter and dark——Hoseok kind of misses the red, but Kihyun always looks beautiful.

There’s a quiet hum and Kihyun’s laughs, breathlessly——it’s that soothing laugh he has that assures that nothing is wrong.

“I don’t know, maybe just... one day.”

“You’re crazy,” Hoseok murmured into Kihyun’s hair.

The younger man laughed and sat up, straddling Hoseok’s hips and pushing the fabric of his shirt up. Hoseok takes a breath and there’s a glint in Kihyun’s eyes.

“Yeah, crazy in love,” Kihyun murmured, before pressing their lips together.

And that’s Hoseok’s reminder that he will always love Kihyun, even when Kihyun isn’t with them anymore.

 

 

 

Kihyun leaves them without a word, a week after their third year anniversary. They wake up one morning and Kihyun is gone. He’s nowhere to be found and calling his phone returns absolutely nothing——sends them all to voicemail. The entire band is in a blind panic, because just a week ago, they stood upon the same stage and thanked the fans for their continuous support. A week ago, their leader and main vocalist smiled and told the fans they’d be together _until whenever_.

Unfortunately, when Hoseok dialed the company’s number, he finds out that _until whenever_ , meant _now_.

“Kihyun asked to have Novocaine left under the management of the company still, but he left the group,” the management representative explained to Hoseok over the phone. She sounds like she understands what Hoseok is going through, what the band is going through, but she doesn’t——because she couldn’t. “For personal reasons.”

They have concerts lined up, and their leader just abandoned them. Their leader and main vocalist abandoned them——Hoseok could probably take Kihyun’s parts, they’ve practiced enough for that, but he still needed someone to take _his_ parts, if he were to cover for Kihyun.

And his mind pathetically hopes that this is all just some _sick joke_ and Kihyun is surely going to come back to them. _To him._

“He... Starship...” Hoseok can’t form straight sentences, but the representative seems to understand.

“Kihyun is still under the management of Starship Entertainment, yes. His contract has not expired and he has shown interest in renewing the contract under a different branch,” she told him. Hoseok feels his blood run cold. _No._

She goes on to tell him about how Kihyun had expressed his desire for all of Novocaine’s schedules to continue as they were set to be done and for them to continue moving forward as a four member band. Hoseok wants to hang up and pretend that this wasn’t happening and that if he opened the door to his bedroom, Kihyun would still be peacefully curled in the sheets, remnants of his stage makeup running down his cheeks but looking as beautiful as ever.

His hand is trembling when he’s holding onto the phone and his free hand moves to grip on the chain he bought for the entire band, fidgeting with it uncomfortably. When the representative hangs up on the other line, Hoseok feels terribly betrayed.

The rest of the band watches him from where they stand and Hoseok holds his breath——“He left.”

“What do you mean he left?” Jooheon sounds hesitant and Minhyuk immediately knows, but he’s holding onto Jooheon like the younger man might fall apart. Changkyun stays seated, silent.

“He left. The band. He left Novocaine.” Hoseok managed and there’s a deafening silence splitting his ears. He hates the sound, or lack thereof.

Sometime after Jooheon slams the door of his bedroom, Hoseok swears he hears the younger man yelling about how Kihyun is such a _selfish bastard_ , and it hurts Hoseok to agree with him.

 

 

 

Hoseok rummages through his entire room and nearly tears it apart when he tries to search for the set of rings that he’d bought in Berlin, last summer. He doesn’t find the both of them——he finds the titanium ring sitting in its small box in a corner of the room, but it’s alone and when he checks the inside of the ring, he sees Kihyun’s name engraved.

It’s his ring——the one intended to promise himself to Kihyun, if he ever managed to find the guts to propose to the younger man. He never did, but the other ring is missing and he can only assume that Kihyun found it.

Hoseok’s heart aches when he thinks about it.

_Why couldn’t you just leave me without taking so much with you?_

 

 

 

Novocaine falls to practical ruins when they try their best to go through with the concert without Yoo Kihyun. When they walk onto the stage with their instruments and there’s only four of them, the fans erupt into murmurs of confusion. And when Hoseok grabs the microphone and channels ‘Wonho’ instead, the fans are devastated when he speaks, because he’s not _Kihyun_.

He isn’t comfortable with making the announcement, but Changkyun stares at him from across the stage and fixes his microphone. He knows that he trusts them more than anything, but he loses his confidence when the crowd of fans begin to chant Kihyun’s name. It hurts him more than anything and Hoseok grips the microphone stand until Changkyun steps up beside him and he hears Minhyuk turn his microphone on.

“We have an announcement to make,” Minhyuk started, speaking into his microphone.

Jooheon is silent in the back and Changkyun pulls the microphone away from Hoseok, bending to speak into the microphone, “It would be nice if you’d all listen, because it’s important. Wonho needs to speak, and the microphone isn’t loud enough when you’re all yelling at the same time.”

He’s glad that they’ve got his back. He can’t say the same about the fans, as much as he loves them.

“From this day onwards, Novocaine will continue as a four member band,” Hoseok says, hoping that he doesn’t shake too much. “Kihyun has left us for personal reasons, but we will continue to make music for our fans.”

The entire crowd makes disappointed sounds and Hoseok pretends that he doesn’t see a portion of the fans filing out of the concert hall after the announcement.

The show goes on——they perform all their songs with Hoseok as their main vocalist and he has both Minhyuk and Changkyun as supporting vocals. The fans who stand by them promise to support them forever, but it breaks a part of all of them to know that a fraction of their fans left alongside Yoo Kihyun.

After the concert, Hoseok finds his solace locked in his room and in listening to the recorded tracks of Kihyun's voice and he _learns_ the effect Novocaine has on their fans. Hoseok learns what it's like to feel pain and try to close a festering wound with music. Hoseok learns that sometimes, even anaesthetics fail at their job, because listening to Kihyun's voice soothes his mind but ruptures all the scars on his heart.

 _“What happened to us, Ki?”_ Hoseok whispered quietly to himself, holding onto titanium ring in his hands.

It’s engraved with Kihyun’s name and _this_ one is Hoseok’s. It glints under the light and highlights the letters of Kihyun’s name. Hoseok feels his heart breaking a little bit and then he hears something crash in the kitchen.

When he runs to the kitchen, Jooheon is picking up shards of glass with Minhyuk and there’s blood trickling down both of their hands——Jooheon is gripping the pieces a little harder; there’s more blood. He’s visibly furious and Hoseok has to knock him out to get him to calm down and let him tend to the wounds on his hands.

Jooheon is angry because they're not the same anymore and the fans who promised to love them unconditionally lied. Jooheon is angry because Kihyun left them without a word and he hasn't even bothered to call any of them. Jooheon is angry because Hoseok is heartbroken and they're falling apart.

Changkyun sits with Hoseok while he’s messily bandaging an unconscious Jooheon’s hands——it’s going to hurt when Jooheon picks up his drumsticks again. Changkyun is neater as he wraps bandages around Minhyuk’s hands, long pretty fingers still slightly stained a pale orange from the bloodstains.

“At least _we’re_ the guitarists,” Changkyun murmured, as he gently places Minhyuk’s damaged hands back down.

Changkyun turned to look at him, and there’s an obvious question in them. Hoseok really misses the days when they were happy and didn’t need to care about all of this. Tying a knot on Jooheon’s bandages, Hoseok turned his attention back to Changkyun and he answers the question that the younger man is too afraid to ask.

_What are we going to do? What about the band?_

“This isn’t the end of Novocaine,” he tells him, seriously. He wasn’t going to throw away the dreams of four people because of Yoo Kihyun turning his back on them. He wasn’t going to forget about years of sheer bliss on stage, because the love of his life was so _selfish_. “If we _need_ a leader, I’ll do it.” Hoseok takes a breath and looks to Changkyun, “We can all sing and I might not have the strongest vocals, I might not be pitch perfect, but I can learn to be better.”

Changkyun looks relieved, just in the slightest——and Hoseok feels this blooming of hope in his chest, because at the very least, he has Changkyun’s trust.

“This isn’t our end——this is the beginning of our revival.”

 

 

 

Novocaine takes a long hiatus.

They need it more than anything, but they push on with their music during their break. They vanish from the music scene for a while, but they’re cooped up in their dorm——Jooheon is learning to cope with his anger and Minhyuk is with him all the time. Changkyun and Hoseok find themselves learning to properly compose together, when Jooheon is there to help them.

They’re tense, but they get over it. They get over the fact that Yoo Kihyun left them without a word and they try to pretend it never actually happened——except they don’t, because Hoseok replaces everything Kihyun used to do for them and every little thing reminds them of the red haired man.

Jooheon convinces Hoseok to spill the bottled up pain onto paper and they write a handful of songs about how much it _hurts_ for someone who you love so much to turn away and leave you. The rest of the songs are about getting over that pain——half of the lyrics are meaningful bullshit, but Changkyun laid down in his lap as he was polishing the words and laughed.

“If you thought of those lyrics two hours after you burst out crying and scaring the shit out of all of us, then it’s not really bullshit,” he remarked. It’s the first time the entire band laughs together for a long time.

And Hoseok doesn’t start crying about Kihyun for another five hours.

It’s a record.

Minhyuk smothers him with a pillow when he starts crying again, but offers to order pizza and they get hammered for the night, because Hoseok doesn’t cry when they’re drunk and none of the members know how to deal with tears.

 

 

 

None of them really know where Kihyun goes, after he leaves them. The most they hear about him is when they’re walking through the streets and someone is talking about how Novocaine used to be a five-member band, but they’ve probably disbanded because they’ve been missing from the crowd. The public has little faith in them.

Hoseok is twenty-three and sitting in the recording studio with Changkyun who _insists_ that he deserves the solo, not Minhyuk and Minhyuk isn’t pleased with the decision when Hoseok gives the solo to Jooheon, instead. Neither of them are.

Hoseok runs Novocaine differently from Kihyun——he’s fair and joyful in what he does, but he’s firm when he’s set on a goal. Kihyun never had that aspect in the way he lead, perhaps because Kihyun was a free spirit and holding him down in a band was _suffocating_ to a talent like him. But, they had chemistry and no matter how much they try, Novocaine can’t forget about that.

And perhaps, that’s why Hoseok couldn’t keep him forever.

It throws Hoseok back to the days when Jooheon thought that _Hoseok_ was most probable to leave them, when they were famous.

And it hurts.

 

 

 

Somewhere in Paris when they’re taking a group break from everything, Hoseok is standing with Changkyun on the roof of their hotel and it feels so familiar, because just a few years ago, he was standing in this same place with Kihyun.

Changkyun is absently playing with a lighter and Hoseok’s fingers are jittery and nervous, like they want to hold onto something, but he’s got nothing. He quit smoking months ago as an effort to keep his vocal cords intact, because he was a main vocalist now. No one in the band smokes anymore, because they need their voices——Changkyun likes playing with Hoseok’s lighter, though.

“Hyung,” Changkyun started, eyes darting over to Hoseok. Leaning against the rail, he raised an eyebrow at the younger man and Changkyun continued, “Do you think he might ever come home to us?”

 _Home_. Hoseok thinks about it for a moment before chuckling quietly——it’s a heartbroken sound but he doesn’t ignore the question, because he knows it took Changkyun _months_ of thought before he decided that it would be okay to bring it up.

“He might,” he replied, quietly. “Not to Novocaine. Not to this, but he might come back to us.”

Changkyun studied him for a moment and he inhaled the cold air.

“Hyung, don’t forget about Kihyun, okay?” Changkyun murmured as if he’s hoping that Hoseok hears him, but he’s also pretending that he isn’t actually talking at all. Changkyun was the most calm about Kihyun leaving the band, but Hoseok knows——when his eyes meet with Changkyun’s——that a part of the younger man smashed into little pieces when the person he trusted most turned his back on them, “He loves you. More than anything.”

He doesn’t know why he’s promising it, but he does. Changkyun knows that he couldn’t ever, but he gives the younger man the reassurance he needs.

“I won’t. I love him, more than anything.”

Changkyun’s eyes are bright underneath the starlight and they shine with an inexplicable brightness and _hope_.

And suddenly, he’s itching for a smoke again and he brushes it off.

 

 

 

Hoseok is twenty-four and still hopelessly in love with Kihyun when Novocaine returns to the stage.

They release a full length album titled RE:, a play on a reply to the fans’ love and their reboot, complete with sixteen tracks after a two year hiatus and the fans flock back to them like they never left the music scene. The support is insane and they fall back into the practised ease of everything they’ve done for years——it’s almost as if Kihyun never left, but it’s been two years since he has and he’s still gone.

Hoseok is coping with it fine——but he still hopes that someday, Kihyun might come back to him.

Their popularity blows right back up and they’re scheduled for dozens of concerts across the country and they’re hopping on planes every other day. Minhyuk is a little devastated every single time he has to leave one of his boy toys back in the cities they’ve made temporary homes in, but he hops to the next one almost as soon as they land.

Changkyun and Jooheon keep _kill counts_ on how many men Minhyuk get to sleep with him and they laugh about it when Minhyuk yells at them. Hoseok shoves his earphones into his ears when they’re on the plane headed to America, and listens to their older songs, but when Minhyuk tugs on his sweatshirt and pleads for his help, he pops an earphone out and smirks wickedly at the younger man.

“Sorry, I can’t help you. I have no advice for someone who sleeps with at least five different people in _one_ weekend.” Hoseok remarked, smirk never fading, _“You’re a legend.”_

Minhyuk smacks the back of his head and both of the younger members give their leader a high five.

When they land in Los Angeles, they hustle to their hotel room to drop things off before they're headed to the concert venue. Everyone else immediately gets their makeup done, but they're short a makeup artist so Hoseok wandered. Somewhere backstage, he hears a couple girls whispering to one another and it piques his interest as he’s tuning his guitar.

“Have you heard about where Kihyun is now?” one of the girls is saying, and Hoseok pretends he isn’t listening.

“His new song is _so_ good,” her friend gushed.

Hoseok finds his chest warming up at the thought of Kihyun continuing on the path of music. It also makes him wonder why he hasn’t been keeping tabs on the younger man and making sure that he’s alright, because a part of him knows that Kihyun would still be monitoring Novocaine. It’s been two years and every single time he calls Kihyun’s phone, he’s sent to voicemail. Kihyun never bothers calling him, but Hoseok knows that no matter what Yoo Kihyun would always be Novocaine’s biggest fan.

Because he brought them up from the ground.

That night, Hoseok boots up his laptop and searches for fan videos of Kihyun’s stages——and he hopes he isn’t being delusional when he spots a silver chain around Kihyun’s neck and there’s a ring worn as the face of the necklace.

 

 

 

After a year of keeping track of all of Kihyun's activities whenever he can, the last video Hoseok watches of Kihyun before he has to stop keeping tabs, for the sake of song writing and other priorities, is an interview.

On the screen, Kihyun is drop dead gorgeous and he's blond, now: it's a dark blond and the sides of his hair are cut short, his hair pushed back to expose his forehead. It's a really good look on him. He’s somewhere in England, because they’re speaking English and Hoseok recognizes the accent.

Kihyun is fiddling with that chain around his neck and the interviewer is saying something about Kihyun making it so big, solo. He asks him if he had any significant help along the way and _Hoseok_ is annoyed, because from the way the interviewer speaks, he probably had no idea Kihyun lead a rock band for three entire years.

But, the smile on Kihyun's face wipes away that irritation.

“I owe a crapton to my old band Novocaine for my success, and they might hate me now, or maybe they’ve forgotten about me and moved on,” Kihyun chuckled, “But, _we don't forget about anything, we just get used to the way it makes us feel numb_.”

It's a quote. It’s the last line of the eighth song on their latest album.

Hoseok's heart stops when Kihyun pulls on the chain around his neck again and he catches the unmistakable glimpse of the all-too-familiar ring hanging on the chain. He absently hears Kihyun promoting them, but he's not really listening anymore.

When he tunes back in, the interview is ending and he's a little bit emotional.

“Check out my latest album and give Novocaine a listen, sometime: you might fall in love,” Kihyun told the interviewer with a laugh, “But the main vocalist is mine.”

“Is he your favourite member?” the interviewer asked and Kihyun's eyes glint a little as he pursed his lips a little bit.

“I love them all, but I guess you could say he's my favourite.” Kihyun’s finger absently slips into the ring attached to his necklace as he speaks and Hoseok can't really calm his heart down.

His eyes dart to the date of the interview.

 _Three days ago_ , the upload date says. Hoseok swears his heart isn't racing.

 

 

 

Yoo Kihyun has always been a mystery——bright smiles and sweet laughter and all, but there was something about him that drew people in. Perhaps, it was charisma. Hoseok has never thought that he could fall so madly in love with someone that he knew so little about. But, anything is possible with Kihyun.

He proved that on the day he established Novocaine and he proved it again on the day that he turned his back on them without a single word. The members might have held grudges, especially Jooheon, but Hoseok doesn’t hold anything against him, because he likes to think that he understood Kihyun enough to excuse him for everything he does.

Changkyun doesn’t think so: Changkyun thinks that Hoseok is so hopelessly in love that he’s making excuses for Kihyun and being infinitely delusional——yet, Changkyun knows that there’s nothing Kihyun loved more than Shin Hoseok. How he could leave them was one of those mysteries that couldn’t ever be solved, because Kihyun was a mystery and Kihyun kept secrets well.

But, when Hoseok is alone in his room, over crying about Kihyun and staring blankly at the rings he’d purchased three years ago, he finds a million reasons to hate Yoo Kihyun. Yet, for every single reason he finds for hating Yoo Kihyun, he has an excuse for why Kihyun might have done it.

In moments like that, he thinks Changkyun might be right.

 

 

 

Leading Novocaine, he doesn’t really have any free time——they spend all their time at fan events and travelling to make up for the years of inactivity and when they’re not working, Hoseok is busy tending to the well-being of his members. Anyone would say that Hoseok was a better leader than Kihyun ever was, but everything Hoseok knows he _learned_ from Kihyun.

Two successful years later, Hoseok is twenty-six when Novocaine is celebrating their seventh year anniversary somewhere in Las Vegas, with a series of concerts, surrounded by the largest group of fans ever. They’re all holding banners and have perfectly recited fan chants and Hoseok is amazed, because seven years later they’re stronger than ever in the music industry.

But, not a single Novocaine stage passes without someone throwing their undergarments onto the stage and a pair of panties catch themselves on Jooheon’s drum set——the twenty-five year old drummer made a face and it goes viral on the internet for a few weeks. The band laughs about it for the next month.

“Thank you for coming out tonight!” Wonho, not Hoseok, yells into the microphone and he’s gotten so much better at that.

The fans scream excitedly as Changkyun picks up his guitar and starts the riff for an encore (a song he wrote all by himself and the lyrics are a sweet message to the fans). Hoseok catches a glimpse of blond hair somewhere in the back of the crowd——he pushes down his naivety and tells himself there’s no way it’s Kihyun.

After the song ends and they’re packing up their equipment, Hoseok feels eyes on him, but when he turns to look, he only catches that same head of dark blond locks before the person is shrouded by a group of bodyguards and escorted out of the venue. Hoseok keeps staring, long after they’re gone and Minhyuk punches him in the arm gently.

“Hey, what are you looking at?” Minhyuk questioned, “Catch a pretty eye?”

Hoseok looks at him and smiles, before picking up his guitar case and leading the way out of the venue, “Yeah, maybe.”

They're also twenty-six when they meet again.

The rest of the members are out of their hotel rooms and wandering the streets of Las Vegas, because after the celebration of their seven years as a band, Hoseok allowed them freedom——because they’ve got nothing scheduled for the rest of the week and they have a few more days before they have to leave and head to a different city.

Changkyun promised him that he wouldn’t be coming home tonight (after begging Hoseok to hook him up with one of Jooheon’s many dealers) and if Minhyuk and Jooheon were together, then they wouldn’t be coming back to the hotel until they were about to board the plane. Hoseok knows his members that well.

Hoseok is halfway drunk, alone in the hotel bar and his eyes are downcast on his phone reading up on a bunch of strange articles, because that’s just what he does when he’s drunk and alone, when arms wrap themselves around him and the band leader is ready to push off a crazy fan, but a voice stops him.

“Shin Hoseok,” the whisper is soft in his ear and the touch is warm. Hoseok holds his breath.

He’s sure he’s just drunk, because there’s no way that was Kihyun’s sweet _sweet_ voice. But, he exhales softly in a foolishly hopeful of whisper of, “Yoo Kihyun.”

And it’s as if it’s a reward for everything he’s ever done in his life, because in a split second, he’s turning around to face with Kihyun’s perfect visage——everything he remembers as beautiful and Hoseok prays that this is _reality_. Kihyun’s cheeks are flushed a light pink, because he’s obviously had a couple drinks——he smells like he’s smoked a joint or two, but his eyes are as bright as ever when he looks at Hoseok.

And Hoseok knows that he’s still so deep into this.

Kihyun’s hands link with his——they’re warm and they make him feel like he’s drowning in all of his emotions, a dream could never feel like this——and Hoseok knows this is _real_.

“Hi,” Kihyun breathed and Hoseok wants nothing more than to pull Kihyun into his lap and kiss the life out of him.

Instead, he grips the younger man’s hand, “Hey.”

“You’re blond. I almost didn’t even recognize you,” Kihyun remarked and his eyes scan Hoseok’s figure——it burns wherever Kihyun looks. Hoseok _knows_ he shouldn’t fall back into Kihyun this easily, because he left them without a word and hadn’t spoken to him for years——but, Hoseok is still so in love.

They haven’t seen another in forever and Kihyun strikes up a conversation with him as if they’d just spoken the other day. It’s flabbergasting to Hoseok, but he’s struck by shock and relief and a plethora of other emotions that make him forget about everything but Kihyun.

Hoseok ran his fingers through his now ashen locks of hair and nodded, “Yeah...”

“It looks good,” Kihyun murmurs and his eyes are on the taller, smoldering. “You look good.”

Some things never change, because looking at the man sitting in front of him now, Hoseok still thinks about how he would do anything for Yoo Kihyun. And he’s not thinking it because he’s half-drunk out of his mind.

“Someone might see us here,” Hoseok managed to say and Kihyun’s eyes glint a little bit.

“That wouldn’t be good,” Kihyun told him, interlocking their fingers.

 

 

 

What _is_ good is when they’re back in Hoseok’s hotel room and the ash haired man pushes Kihyun to stumble onto the bed and their lips press together——passionate and needy, their eyes burning with words that they don’t dare to speak. Hoseok’s fingers grip into Kihyun’s hair and he’s trying to make the younger man understand _how much he’s missed him_.

Kihyun’s fingers pry at the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt and they’re ridding one another of clothing, because they’re so desperate to touch. His hands practically burn with every single touch to Kihyun’s body and he misses the days when _this_ was all his.

It’s a matter of seconds before Kihyun is sprawled half naked beneath him and he’s biting a mark into Kihyun’s neck.

Because Kihyun is _his_ and nothing changes that. Not distance and not time.

Breathless and desperate to not let go of the moment, Hoseok rests his forehead against Kihyun’s and their eyes meet.

“I hate you,” Hoseok murmured and Kihyun closes his eyes, lips parting slightly.

He means to say _I missed you_ , but it doesn’t come out like it should, because the way Kihyun looks at him says a lot about how much he misses him——he doesn’t. He’s filled with pent up frustrations of how Kihyun could have left him so easily. How Kihyun could have easily forgotten about them like they never actually happened, when they were the entire world to Hoseok. He hates how Kihyun let go of them without a word when he meant the world to Hoseok.

“Fuck me like you hate me, then,” Kihyun taunts, but Hoseok _doesn’t_ hate _Kihyun_. He _can’t_ hate Kihyun, because he loves him more than anything in the world, no matter what Kihyun does.

He hesitated and suddenly, Kihyun is wrestling him back into the sheets and he’s lying on his back with the younger man straddling his hips and grinding into him——it elicits a low groan from Hoseok’s lips.

With Kihyun, it’s easy to ignite that burn of lust in his gut and Hoseok’s hands grip into Kihyun’s with a quiet growl and he bites his lower lip, rolling his hips to meet with Kihyun’s. The younger lets out a breathy moan and Hoseok takes the moment that Kihyun is off guard to push down to his knees.

This is an outlet for the anger he’s held back for years and his fingers grip into Kihyun’s hair. Kihyun easily falls into position on his knees in front of the older man and Hoseok is seated at the edge of the bed, his cock in Kihyun’s mouth——the way Kihyun’s lips are stretched around his girth is obscene and he gags when Hoseok thrusts his hips into the heat of Kihyun’s mouth.

Teary eyes stare up at him, but Kihyun takes it like a champ——Hoseok’s always fucked Kihyun sweet and slow, but he’s treading different waters, four years later. Kihyun doesn’t seem to mind with the way he moans around Hoseok’s length and his hands spreading the other man’s legs apart to get _closer_.

A ragged moan leaves Hoseok's lips as Kihyun hollowed his cheeks, intensifying the sensation of pretty pink lips stretched around Hoseok's cock.

They're desperate to feel one another and Hoseok feels his sanity breaking when Kihyun pulls off of him with lust filled eyes, glinting with something else. He pulls the younger back onto the bed with him and Kihyun's so pliant to his movements——falls where Hoseok wants him to and touches him where he needs him to.

He wastes no time with tearing the remainder of Kihyun’s clothes off of his body and his fingers follow the familiar motions from years ago——slides in between Kihyun’s thighs the way that he knows Kihyun loves, touching him slowly and letting the heat burn across Kihyun’s body.

Hoseok avoids the younger man’s erection, teasing him relentlessly until Kihyun is squirming beneath him and begging for his attention. Dark eyes scan the smaller man's figure and reluctantly, Hoseok's fingers wrap themselves around Kihyun's member and he strokes slowly.

It builds liquid fire in Hoseok's gut when a needy moan of his name leaves the younger's lips. He takes his time to wreck Kihyun; rough hands gripping onto Kihyun's hips and his mouth working to skitter a constellation of dark marks on his body. Because Yoo Kihyun is _his._

He pushes his fingers to the blond’s lips and he willingly parts his lips to take the digits into his mouth, suckling gently. Hoseok watches the lust in Kihyun's eyes and a part of him wonders how much Kihyun missed this, or if he ever did at all. The latter of thoughts makes him burn with irritation.

Pushing Kihyun's legs apart, they fall apart easily and Kihyun looks so welcoming; his expression flushed and his eyes are half-lidded. He's panting softly and Hoseok doesn't think there's anything in the world more beautiful than the man lying naked beneath him.

He withdrew his fingers from Kihyun's lips and flashes a devilish smirk before he's pushing them into Kihyun. The younger's visage twists into one of pain, but his jaw slacks in a low moan. From the way Kihyun's hips arch into it, Hoseok knows he likes the pain.

“I hate you so much,” Hoseok whispered harshly against Kihyun’s skin and the younger man trembles underneath him as Hoseok is thrusting his fingers roughly into him. This time, Kihyun’s softer and he’s honest.

“I know,” Kihyun breathed and it breaks off into a soft moan, “You’re allowed to.”

“I hate you more than anything,” Hoseok repeated, fingers pushing deeper and he's got two of his fingers in Kihyun. They stretch him out and the moans spilled from Kihyun's lips obscenely. “How could you have just _left_ like that?”

“I'm sorry,” Kihyun gasped through his loud moans. He's gripping onto Hoseok's hand and desperately pushing his hand deeper.

“Why are you sorry?” Hoseok demanded, tone low and his eyes keep themselves on Kihyun as his fingers thrust relentlessly.

Kihyun is a moaning mess and he's trying to find coherent words, because the pleasure is overwhelming but he needs more and the older man wouldn't give it to him until he was pleased. Kihyun grabbed at the sheets and he's trembling, “I'm sorry for leaving you; I'm sorry for not saying anything to you. Hoseok, I'm sorry.”

He knows Kihyun is just running his mouth to get what he wants; he knows Kihyun doesn't mean it when he says he's sorry, because he had four years to apologize and prove that he was sorry. But, he gives him what he wants. Another finger slides its way into Kihyun's body and the younger crooned at the added stretch, fingers gripping tightly into Hoseok’s forearms, nails digging into his skin. It hurts, but Hoseok can’t feel it.

He’s focused on the way Kihyun whimpers as he stretches him out with his fingers.

“You left me and now you’re back——coming back like you never left? _How could you, Kihyun?_ ” Hoseok hissed, the corners of his eyes burning with the threat of tears and his vision blurs.

Kihyun’s free hand raises from its position on his arm and suddenly, it’s gently placed against his cheek——Hoseok holds his breath when Kihyun is wiping away his tears with a gentle finger. He hadn’t realized he’d been crying, and Kihyun’s voice is soft——so sweet to his ears, “Baby, I’m right here, I’ve always been right here.”

_Liar._

But, he’s always believed in everything that Kihyun says, because he’s that delusional and that much in love with him. He’s that foolish and maybe that’s why his anger is so quickly sated at the younger man’s words. Kihyun wipes his fingers dry of Hoseok’s tears on the sheets and Hoseok withdraws his fingers from inside of Kihyun, watching him, silently.

“I’m sorry I'm terrible. Hoseok, come here,” Kihyun whispered, softly and there’s still this glint of lust in his eyes. Hoseok hopes that he can see the underlying shining of affection, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if Kihyun didn’t love him anymore.

He forgets about it when Kihyun pushes him slowly into the sheets and reaches for his discarded jeans, withdrawing a small packet of lube. He tears it with his teeth and Hoseok takes a breath because, no matter how cliché, Kihyun has always been good at destroying everything he touches.

It spills, but Kihyun wastes no time with cleaning up the mess he made——his fingers coat themselves with the cool liquid and he wraps them around Hoseok’s cock, slowly. They don’t talk, but Hoseok can hear himself breathing heavily between soft moans and Kihyun is catching his breath, too.

And then he’s being straddled and Kihyun’s hand is aligning Hoseok’s cock to his entrance——he’s looking right at him and Hoseok feels that burn of lust intensify in the pit of his stomach.

 _“Shit,”_ Hoseok gasped as Kihyun lowered himself onto him——he takes him in a single smooth motion, the entire length pushed deep inside of him. Kihyun moans quietly and grips onto Hoseok's arms, catching his breath.

He's bigger than Kihyun remembers him being and it's obvious from the way Kihyun's face twists into a look of immense pleasure.

And then, Kihyun is grinding his hips against Hoseok's without a warning, riding him with a building momentum. The ashen haired man quickly grasped onto the younger's hips with rough hands, but Kihyun's body moves like molten lava against him: _fluid and so hot._

It's suddenly so gentle and intimate, the look in Kihyun's eyes begging for him to understand that he's missed him too. Hoseok knows. Hoseok knows because he missed them more than anything in the world and he knows that Kihyun knows there hasn't been a day that he didn't think of him. Because he needs to stop trying to convince himself that Kihyun’s changed, when Kihyun is still Kihyun and the man he’s so madly in love with.

 _I hate you_ translates itself to _I missed you so much_ and they're kissing as Kihyun fucks himself on Hoseok's cock. Kihyun's hands are cupping Hoseok's face and Hoseok is digging his fingers into Kihyun's hips, bruising them because he needs Kihyun to remember all of this. He needs Kihyun to remember how much he loves him.

He hates that they meet again like this, but in the same sense, he wouldn’t have it any other way, because if he weren’t half drunk out of his mind and Kihyun wasn’t high before they rolled into bed with one another, then maybe Kihyun would never have approached him. And Hoseok might never have noticed him, and they’d pass one another by as if they didn’t exist, again.

Hoseok doesn’t really understand how he could be so hopelessly in love with someone, but when his fingers are wrapped around Kihyun’s cock and jerking him to completion and Kihyun’s face twists beautifully as he comes, Hoseok’s head spins and it’s absolute nirvana——he thinks he kind of gets it.

Being in love with Yoo Kihyun is kind of like being hooked on a drug——addicted——and the moment you think you’re over it, it shows up out of nowhere and you fall back into it.

“I missed you,” Hoseok breathed as he comes, but Kihyun pretends that he doesn’t hear him. Hoseok pretends he doesn’t feel his heart breaking, even when Kihyun pulls him closer and kisses him slowly.

There’s a long silence after they orgasm and lay sprawled against the sheets, breathing heavily. They don’t say much, but they’ve never really needed to say very much to one another——they just kind of understand one another. And it means that Hoseok is going to leave the hotel pretending that he never met up with Kihyun and Novocaine isn’t ever going to know, until Changkyun proofreads his lyrics and gives him that understanding look.

Hoseok has become one hell of an actor.

They’re kind of fucked up, but they’ve always been.

“They hate me, don’t they?” Kihyun asks.

Hoseok doesn’t need to ask him what he means, but he does anyway. Keeping Kihyun awake would mean that he gets to spend a little more time with the younger man. It’s been four years and Hoseok really thinks that Kihyun still _owes_ him for the hundreds of unanswered voicemails Hoseok left him.

“Who?”

Kihyun gives him a look, and it’s a lazy glare——Hoseok still thinks he’s breathtaking——it’s exhausted and Kihyun’s voice is still breathless from having screamed Hoseok’s name over and over, “Your band.”

Hoseok remembers when it had been _our band_ , when Kihyun was their leader. But, Kihyun left them and _yeah_ , it’s Hoseok’s now.

“Yeah, they do,” it’s the most casual sound and Hoseok closed his eyes, fingers pressing to the bridge of his nose. He’d pull out a cigarette about now if he still smoked, but he doesn’t. “They think you’re the scum of the Earth, because you never bothered explaining yourself to them and they hate the company’s explanation.”

“Changkyun too?” Kihyun murmured and Hoseok laughs.

“No,” Hoseok answered, “He thinks you’re a moron, but he doesn’t think you’re the scum of the Earth. That’s just——”

“Jooheon. Only Jooheon talks like that,” Kihyun finished. “And Minhyuk is just upset that Jooheon is upset.”

Hoseok shouldn’t be so surprised that Kihyun remembers. It’s been four years, but they’d spent the better half of the band’s life together. Nothing much has changed about Kihyun, when Hoseok thinks about it. They’re just not together anymore, and Hoseok almost wants to ask what Kihyun’s done with that ring he stole (but, it’s not quite stealing, because it was his to begin with).

“Yeah,” Hoseok responds, absently.

“What do _you_ think about me?” Kihyun murmured, eyes running to meet with Hoseok's and Hoseok shuts his eyes, lips curling into an amused smirk.

“You know what I think of you.”

Kihyun pulls the sheets up to their chests and curls up against Hoseok, not bothering to get dressed and he inhales softly——Hoseok pretends that he isn’t thinking about how Kihyun is inhaling his scent. He hasn’t changed his cologne, a foolish part of his heart hoping that if he ever ran into Kihyun, he’d still smell familiar——maybe like home. Hoseok thinks he might be falling back in love, even though he never stopped.

“For old time’s sake,” Kihyun murmured, wrapping his arms around Hoseok and falling asleep.

Hoseok wrapped his arms tightly around the younger man and buried his face into Kihyun’s hair. There’s a blooming of something that he can’t describe in his chest, and for the first time in four years, he’s lying in a foreign city but he feels completely at home. Simply because home is where the heart is, as he’s learned from the millions of romantic movies the band watches: and his heart is with Kihyun.

And because it’s Kihyun, he doesn’t want it back.

Kihyun never says anything, because Hoseok has always been good at figuring things out——and Kihyun always knows when he knows something (“There’s just a glint in your eye when you know something, and it’s so smug. I hate it, but it’s kind of hot,” Kihyun had absently told him, five years prior, with a cigarette between his lips).

And when Hoseok wakes up the next morning all alone and finds a phone number messily written on a napkin, haphazardly placed on the nightstand, he's reassured of one thing he's never lost all faith in: _Kihyun still loves him._

**Author's Note:**

> ( cue them planning accidental encounters until changkyun catches them and tells joohyuk, or something. ) 
> 
> Inserts my typical outro about how you should throw random prompts at me via Twitter or something, because I'll probably write them.


End file.
